We spoke with couples and family therapist Gábor Mihalec about relationship patterns, the roots of conflicts, and the impact of the pandemic on relationships.
When I saw the title of your lecture, I immediately thought of Géza Bereményi’s film Time Stands Still. In one scene, the main character tells a quarreling couple, “You argue just like your parents.” How true do you think this is?
I must admit, I haven’t seen the film, but the concept is absolutely true. In our relationships, we often follow the patterns we observed in childhood. Research shows that between the ages of 14 and 18, we are particularly receptive to relationship models. We absorb how our parents interact, how they handle conflicts, like a sponge.
Later, we tend to apply these automatic patterns in our own relationships. This becomes our default “autopilot” in conflict situations. Our partner either benefits from it or—more often—becomes its victim.
At some point in every relationship, we must ask ourselves: Is this working for us? Do we really want to live like this? Can we change? I believe—and this is what I tell the couples I work with—that we do not owe it to our parents to repeat their patterns, which often caused them suffering. But we do owe it to our children to create healthier patterns that can bring them more happiness.
In your lecture, you mentioned that many relationship conflicts stem from what’s “in the basement.” But how can we identify these hidden causes? Do we need a professional, or is there a method anyone can use?
There is a method developed by Sue Johnson in Emotionally Focused Therapy, outlined in her book Hold Me Tight. Many couples find that just reading this book changes their perspective.
However, if too much pain has accumulated in a relationship, the willingness to openly discuss problems decreases significantly. People fear further emotional wounds. In such cases, seeking a professional can be helpful. A therapist creates a safe space where opening up does not lead to more pain.
If we compare conflicts to a house, how can we uncover the deepest root causes?
Relationship conflicts can be analyzed on three levels:
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The Living Area – Behavioral Level
This level focuses on specific actions and words: “You said this, you did that.” Many couples argue only at this level. -
The Garage – Emotional Level
Behavior is always fueled by emotions, which influence our reactions. -
The Basement – Deepest Needs
This is where the real roots of conflicts lie: the need for connection, fears, and the desire for security.
If we can identify what is truly missing or wounded within us, we can address conflicts more effectively.
What are the most common fears hidden “in the basement”?
Over the past three years, I have worked with more than 100 couples, and two recurring patterns have emerged:
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Women’s biggest fear: Do you accept me as I am?
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Men’s biggest fear: Are we on the same team? Can I rely on you, or will you leave me alone?
Women often keep a “hidden scorecard,” noting situations where they feel unaccepted by their partner. Over time, the scorecard fills up, leading to an emotional explosion.
Men, on the other hand, fear that in difficult times, their partner will abandon them. Their second biggest need is feeling appreciated—if this is taken away, they feel as if they are being “thrown naked into a hostile crowd.” However, when they feel valued, they are willing to do anything.
How did the pandemic affect relationships? Did divorce rates increase, or did some couples grow closer?
The pandemic was an extraordinary event, subjecting the entire world to unprecedented stress. This made it an excellent research opportunity.
Data shows two outcomes: some relationships strengthened, while most deteriorated. In China, for example, after lockdowns were lifted, divorce applications surged so much that authorities had to limit the number processed daily to avoid overwhelming the system.
In my research, I identified seven factors that determine whether a couple survives a crisis. I summarized them in my book Viharbiztos szerelem (Storm-Proof Love). Applying these factors consciously makes relationships much more resilient.
What is the most common reason for divorce in Hungary?
It’s hard to give a definitive answer because the stated reason and the real reason for divorce are often different.
Many people say, “I’m divorcing because my partner cheated.” But what led to the infidelity? If we trace the process backward, we often see that conflicts were poorly managed, and eventually, one partner chose a destructive solution—seeking emotional support from someone else, which escalated beyond just a comforting embrace.
How significant is financial stress in divorces?
It plays a major role, especially among couples who were already uncertain about commitment. I often hear, “This is my money, and that’s yours.” But financial disputes are just the tip of the iceberg—deeper relationship issues usually lie beneath them.
– Debreceni Nap / Sándor N. Nagy –
